My Thoughts After Trenzalore - The Doctor's 1,000-year-old Diary
by TheDoctorsAltar
Summary: A/N: This took place right after The Name of the Doctor. This is where the Doctor writes in his Diary through his point of view on what has transpired and what happened afterwards. Beware for some possible cheesy moments and lots of fluff.


My Thoughts After Trenzalore,  
The Doctor's 1,000-year-old Diary  
**By:** The Doctor's Altar

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Doctor Who. All characters and respective properties all belong to the BBC and Steven Moffat.

**Author's Note: **This took place right after The Name of the Doctor. This is where the Doctor writes in his Diary what has transpired and through his point of view and what happened afterwards. Beware for some cheesy moments and lots of fluff. This is my first Doctor Who fanfic, so bear with me any writing errors found and scenes that are maybe out of character (OOC).

**Summary**: The Doctor writes in his diary on what had transpired during his trip to Trenzalore and his thoughts on the affair afterwards, including some good 11th Doctor/Clara moments.

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Dear 1,000-year-old diary,

I still can't believe I am writing to this day, let alone to be alive by now. I still kept my 500-year-old diary in my trunk, during my second incarnation as the Doctor, beneath the TARDIS console along with my monk robes and other clothing from prior incarnations, including various bowties. I can't believe I have the time and the patience to write down as much as I could possibly remember from that nasty business on Trenzalore. And yes, Patience is for wimps, but I have no time to dilly-dally on that. Where should I begin? Oh yes...that's right...Trenzalore, the gravesite of my future, a battlefield graveyard of my so called last days in this "strange, but miraculous" Universe. I knew I should not have come here, but I had to because it was my moral duty to save the lives of the Paternoster Gang: Jenny, Strax and Madame Vastra.

Jenny, Strax, and Madame Vastra have been the kindest bunch I never asked so much of. They did not judge me nor belittle my actions. They were just kind. Coming to Trenzalore was a way for me to owe them back the favor for everything they did for me during my darker days.

I find it ironic that I would end up perishing at the very same place that I will die in my distant future. The very same place where the Mr. G Intelligence stepped into my very own time-stream and along with his "Whispermen" were disbursed like confetti across every point in my life. He turned my victories into defeats, my friends into enemies, and anyone that I loved and care for, gone. In so doing, I felt the greatest agony I never felt before. I feel my life was burning away.

Everywhere in my body was burning away and I cried for out for someone to ease the pain. I even shouted before then to stop that raging lunatic, the Great Intelligence in rewriting my own personal history. The only help that was given to me was from my very own Clara, my impossible girl. She did something that I would not allow anyone to do, let alone sacrifice themselves to save my life.

She threw herself into my time-stream, creating echoes of her former self and die all over again in each point in time just save me. Why should I be saved? I am just an ordinary Time Lord, nothing special, nothing great. I am not like my Time Lord brethren who cannot control how they want to appear during regenerations. I don't have any super-Gallifreyan abilities to shoot lightning like the Master nor the extreme power of Rassilon. I rather die and allow anyone I hold dear to lose their lives for me. As I laid on the floor in the TARDIS console room of my future, I painfully pleaded Clara to not jump into the time stream for doing so would end her life and I do not want her life to end even it is just to save me.

Throughout my time with Clara, she always has this knack for not listening. That's the problem. She never seems to listens. Back at Victorian London when I first met her in person, I've ordered Clara to stay in her room as I go about my "Doctor" ways. I was very firm about it, but no...she refused and just tagged along before she died saving me. Even before my trip to Trenzalore during Clara's modern incarnation or the original incarnation, I even have to explain to her that the message given to her about my secret being taken to the grave was not about my secret at all. It's about my actual grave. "Oh my giddy aunt, I'm in such a pickle now with this impossible lady," as I would say if I was still in my second incarnation as the Doctor.

However, in the end, I am forever grateful for what she has done. After all, she did save my life and restored the lives of Strax, Jenny, and Vastra.

Once I am back on my own two feet, I immediately turned around and instructed Jenny, Strax, and Madame Vastra to go into my TARDIS and initiate the return-trip protocol to return to their timeline. This is just in case I did not return from rescuing the girl that saved me, Clara Oswin Oswald. As I spoke of these instructions, I can see River Song complaining that I should do something reasonable like use my TARDIS to save Clara, not something suicidal like jumping into my time stream. I appreciate River Song's concern since she is a time traveler after all and there are repercussions in never knowing what paradoxes would come out from stepping into my own time stream.

I always knew that River was there to whole time from the time Clara and I first arrived at Trenzalore to now at my own tomb. I knew it was her that said my real name to open the doors to my tomb. But, I never laid a word on her the whole time, full knowing that speaking to her would bring pains of guilt and regret. After all, I hate endings.

As I looked down, I can see in my peripheral vision, River walking close to slap me. River is known to pull out the infamous "River-slap" like she did back when I faked my death at Lake Silencio. She got that from her father, Rory Williams, since Rory is known to punch my face for talking how insignificant Amy Pond is to the whole universe during our adventures to the Pandorica. I grabbed River's arm once she swung her hand at me. This surprised her on how I could do that when she's not really here. After all, she is a backed-up, preserved in the biggest library in the universe.

I told her that I always see her, hear her, and she was always there for me. River asked me why I never spoken to her in all the years even when she's back to my life. I felt a little hurt at the moment when she said that as I gathered my thoughts on what I have to say back to her. I would never forget the words she mentioned to Clara back in the catacombs about me leaving River like a book in a shelf in the biggest library in the entire universe and never said goodbye to her. River was right, after all, I hate endings. I hate the endings of losing everyone I love and hold dear and saying goodbye to those who are gone from my life, like my granddaughter Susan, Ian and Barbara Chesterton, Dodo, Jo Grant, Peri, Tegan, Nyssa, Turlough, Adric, Romana, Leela, Victoria, Jamie McCrimmon, Zoe Heriot, Sarah Jane, The Brigadier, Sergeant Benton, my entire family and friends back on Gallifrey like Romana, Rose Tyler, Martha, Donna, Wilfred, the Ponds, my wife, River Song and many others over the years. As a 1,000 year old time Lord, I am sick and tired of having to cope with these feelings of pain, loss, guilt, and regret over and over again.

With my two hands holding close to her arms, I explained to her that I always feel hurt when speaking those who died long ago. I knew River would always cope with the pain of seeing me, but this time it was actually me who feels hurt. I gave River my last passionate kiss on her beautiful lips as a way that ordinary humans do to show their affection to each other. After kissing River, I realized that she's invisible to the eyes of Strax, Jenny, and Madame Vastra. Oh god, with no one seeing River in the room, who knows how awkward that looks, especially somebody seeing me, kissing a ghost.

After kissing River, I told her that there is a time to live and there's a time to sleep. She should've faded away by now and I do not know how to say goodbye. I asked River on what do I say to bid my final farewell to her. River responded that the only thing that she would accept from me is to tell her that I would see her again.

So, "see you around Professor River Song" was my final response to my wife, River Song.

Before River finally faded away, she later explained to me that she was mentally linked with Clara. How could she be here if Clara is really dead? I don't know and so I asked, "How?"

Then the word that came out was the same, typical word that River always uses for everything I am not allowed to know, "Spoilers!"

"Goodbye Sweetie," was the last words that River spoke to me and like any echo of my past, she faded away.

I took two deep breaths before I turned around and I stared into my own time stream. I feel anxiety building up in my chest, wondering what would happen once I entered into my time stream. I took one step into the time stream and then another. A bright flash went in front of my eyes and I finally feel my entire body is becoming one with the strands of the time stream. I am everywhere and I knew where Clara is going to end up. She's going to the end of my time stream. Even though River Song explained earlier to Clara that she may die once she jumped into my personal time tunnel, but I always knew that because Clara is the impossible girl, she is not easily dead.

I can imagine the distraught Clara, falling through the time winds and have herself being reborn and dying again and again just to save me. Never more have I encountered such a companion who would go so far to perform such a feat. In my early days I was the one who save all my companions from certain death. But, this time it's in reverse. I am the one who gets saved and this time I am going to return the favor. My Clara, my sweet Clara, the perfect companion, the girl that I have grown such attached to. As I get closer and closer to the end of the time-tunnel, I started to remember the events where she was there to beat back that maddening Mr. "G" intelligence.

Oh "G," the Great Intelligence, Mr. G.I. or should I called him, The "Great Imbecile." He is an imbecile after all. He really thinks that he is the "information." Well, too bad, the only information he missed is the fact that he gets beaten by an ordinary girl, no, the impossible girl. Like pieces on the chessboard, for every knight Mr. G.I. takes away, I take away his rook, queen, bishop, and then checkmate. For the only advantage Clara has over the G. Intelligence is me, the King of Time, the Time Lord Victorious.

I finally arrived at the end of the time-stream. I see Clara alone, crying on the floor not knowing where she is or who she is. I spoke to her through the time stream like a loud God, coming down to save her. She tells me to leave once I explained that the time stream is collapsing. But, I refused. I would not leave without my impossible girl. I handed over the leaf that brought her into this world and it's that very same leaf that would take her away from this dreadful place. Then, I laid down instructions for Clara to turn around and listen to my voice as incarnations of my past lives run across her eyes. I can tell she's amazed of my prior faces and how I looked different each time for each these faces are echoes of my good days and bad days. Once I entered into the temporal realm, I could see Clara adjusting her eyes to look at me clearly and I told you that "Out of the times you saved. Just for the hell of it. Let me save you." Clara, with tears on her eyes, limped across towards me. With just one step, I finally grasp Clara in my arms and we finally hug each other. For this time, I am not going to lose her.

As I kissed her forehead, something was in the corner of my left eye. It was a dark figure in clothing I barely recognize. Clara turned around and asked me who he was. I told Clara to forget about it and let's get out of here. Clara continues to insist to know who that dark man was. I told her that only one in the time stream is me and we must leave. Clara continues to say that she never recognize that face before. She only saw 11th faces of me, and I am her 11th doctor. With the sense of urgency, I told Clara that my name, my real name...that's not the point. The name I choose is a promise I make and that dark man over there is the one who broke the promise. Clara fainted and I lifted her body in my arms.

Then, I hear the first words that came out of that dark figure, "What I did...I did it without choice."

"I know" was my response and I do know that what he did was something I would never do as the Doctor even if it's done in the name of peace and sanity. "But not in the name of "The Doctor" was final response before I walked way.

As I reached the exit, I started to remember that particular incarnation. He was "The Doctor" of my past regenerations. A past regeneration where he or should I say I have committed an atrocity that broke the promise of what my name stand for. I became the Doctor as a promise to heal and provide the mutual co-existence of all parties to depart in peace. I became the Doctor, so I want to end conflict without having my hands be blood-soaked in the death of billions.

I immediately used my name to reopen the exit and flew back into my time stream and back to the moment that I first entered. I arrived back to my tomb with Clara's body on my arms. I immediately carried Clara on my arms to my TARDIS where Strax, Jenny, and Madame Vastra were waiting for me. They knew to wait a little longer for my return and I knew they would not give up on me that easy.

Upon entering inside the TARDIS, I instructed my three friends to take Clara to her personal quarters and patch any injuries she may have. I quickly ran to the TARDIS console and punch the coordinates for a return trip home. Well, not exactly my home per say, but the home-timeline of Jenny, Strax, and Madame Vastra.

Upon arriving into their timeline, Madame Vastra asked me if I am going to be okay. I told her that Clara and I would be fine. We would remain in the Temporal Vortex for the time being to fully recover. Jenny hugged me, gave her farewell, and explained to me that if I need any help, they will be here for me. Strax came by and gave me a warrior handshake, informing me that he never met a finest warrior as I was. I bid my final farewells and I immediately set the controls to leave and remain in the Time Vortex.

It wasn't quite long before I briefly remember the last words of before Clara's jump, "Run you clever boy and remember me." It was the very same words that Clara spoke to me at the Dalek Asylum and Victorian London, but this time much more complete. For in fact, she is telling me to not only run and remember, but to run and remember her. After all this time running through time to find Clara and solve the greatest mystery in the universe. Now, I finally know who Clara is. Clara, my Clara is no longer a mystery girl, she's the impossible girl.

But, I started to wonder. My Clara, my soufflé girl, the impossible girl, how can an ordinary human girl like that managed to pull off the impossible. I mean I know she's a perfect companion in every way. She's brave, strong, funny, and maybe a bit at times somewhat bossy in that short stature in a skirt that's just too tight with her nose is all funny. Oh great...scratch that thought...I mean well...let's keep it this way she's not possible.

The only companion whose actions in saving my life that could match that of Clara's is my former companion Rose Tyler. I still remember Rose Tyler. I remember the first day I hold her hand and told her to run. I remember the day when I told Rose that I cannot fall in love with her because like all humans do, they decay and whither way while I regenerate. I still feel the pain of missing her, but I told myself before I had to keep running. It's fortunate that at least Rose Tyler can spend the rest of her days with the clone-copy of myself who is after all part-human, which allows him to age like any ordinary human and give all the joys Rose would ever have.

But, right now...I am not going to lose anyone, anymore. From my journeys from Gallifrey, to my exile on the Earth, to my battles with the Master, the Time War, and to now escaping the events of Trenzalore, I am not going to lose my impossible girl.

Clara Oswin Oswald, I know who she is and what she really means to me. She was there, in the beginning, telling me steal the right TARDIS. She was there on my side-view mirror calling to me as I was driving my own Bessie on Earth. She was there when I was hanging to my life on my very umbrella where I was certain that I was going to fall to my death.

Of all the lives that she split herself in my own timeline, I really wonder if she was able to remember each and one of those events and to finally know who I am, my pain, my sorrow, my secrets as the 11th Doctor, her doctor.

During the next few hours as I lay rested on my bed, I heard Clara screamed.

"Ahhhh...no, Doctor, don't die! Don't die! Please Doctor! Don't Die!" screamed Clara. I came over right away to immediately comfort her while she was taking few big breathes. "Clara, what is it? Are you okay, did the TARDIS do something bad to you now?"

"No Doctor, it's just these memories of the thousand years I was with you. And it's making my head hurt," responded Clara. I sat down next to her to comfort her with her face on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her, letting her now that I am here and I will not let her go.

"Clara, it's okay. Don't worry. We'll not be going anywhere for awhile and I'll stay here with you until you get better," as I told this to her, Clara immediately shrugged back and responded, "I remember seeing you at every point in your life. Your battles, your victories, your defeats, your loss, your pain, and..."

"Clara, it's all okay, we'll leave that conversation for another time. Just take some rest. We're not going anywhere until everything is all sorted out." I responded as I touch her left cheek with my hand, rubbing my thumb alongside it.

"I finally know who you are, your secrets, and I even remember all the 11th faces of you, except that one man, you said that he's you, but not the Doctor."

I immediately told her that is not a conversation we should continue discussing and it's much more important now to rest and wait for oh well...wait probably few more days in the TARDIS as we patched things up and decide where to head to next.

Clara finally calmed and collected. Before I was able to leave, she mentioned these next words that I will never forget. "Doctor...how could you be able to cope with all those things? I mean living each day not knowing that one day you may never see your friends again or see yourself gone and buried, becoming a ghost to everyone you know? What did you do cope with that?"

I told Clara that I just do and I had to. I am a madman box after all. Not mad in the sense of going insane and losing myself, but being spontaneously focused to keep going forward and never stop running. I told her that I keep on running and remember. Remember not just her, but the memories of all the friends and family in my mind. I told Clara the same way I told Victoria long time ago that my family and friends are asleep in my mind. They're always there and all I have to do to see them again is to remember them and they're be right there in front of my eyes.

She smiled and felt appreciated of someone taking her advice and said, "That's funny. I remember telling something like that to a strange man on the playground when I was young. The same playground, next to my home where my parents take me to everyday. This funny man. He was alone by himself, telling me about a friend that he lost. I told him that whenever I forget something, I find a place to be alone and remember where I put them and all of sudden they will appear right in front of my eyes."

I was shocked when she said those words. During my trip to find Clara Oswald, she was right there on the swings, on the playgrounds, right next me as I explained my story of a girl that I lost. The girl I was trying to find again. She was right there the entire time, just beneath my very chin-chin.

"Wait a minute...that was you wasn't it, Doctor? You were the man in the coat and bowtie? You were watching the whole time. From the day I was crying on my mother's tombstone to even the day when I was only a child. You were trying to find me all the long."

"That's quite right Clara. It's all wibbley-wobbley, timey-wimey is that we both ended up here. But, now Clara I insist that you remain in your bed and rest. We'll talk more later. Don't worry we won't be going anywhere, yet."

"I know. But, Doctor..."

"Yes, Clara."

"Before you go there is one last thing I want to say."

I look right back at her bemused on what she was trying pull off this time. I was not in any rush hurry to leave, but just looking out for Clara to ensure her safety."

"What is it?" I asked.

"Before anything that could happen to us again, like what happened back at Trenzalore, I just want to say when I first met you, it was the best day of my life. You are brilliant and mad, funny and always bring a joy to my life. But there are times I always feel like I don't even know you and there are times I feel you are a bit weird and so different than anyone else. But after being reborn and dying over a thousand life times, I finally understand who you are and what you been through. You lived by yourself so long and so alone that you needed somebody to be with you to keep you place. So, that's why I was born into this world, to save you. To save you from the painful loneliness and all the evils that exists in this universe. I realized that you and I are not so different after all...we both lost those we love, your family and friends, my mother. We both live alone from time to time. We protected those under our care like you a being surrogate father to use power of time heal those who lost their fathers and I being a nanny to the Maintland kids. I kind of noticed we talk very fast and always have each other's back and that's why Doctor before anything comes between us, I just want to say..."

I already knew the next words that are coming out Clara's mouth. But my two hearts sank with anticipation and anxiety of hearing these precious three words for the first time from the girl that I always love as well.

"I love you, Doctor. I always have and I always will be." Clara hugged me tight and her tears rain down my chest. "I tried not to say these things earlier because it's strange for me to fall in love with a 1,000-year-old time traveler. But all in all, for each day I am with you, you are the best friend I have ever had in my life and I would sacrifice my life over and over again, so I can be with you throughout time and space."

Right then and there, I quickly hugged Clara and pressed my lips against hers, expressing myself that I too love Clara.

After passionately kissing her, I pulled myself away at an arms-length distance with my hands on her shoulders, expressing my gratitude and appreciation for her. "Clara, my sweet Clara. My impossible girl. I know how much you loved me and I love you as well. You mean so much to me. No matter where I go, you would always come with me and I am not going to lose you again."

I put her hand behind her head and pressed our head together, showing in agreement that we adore each other.

"Where should we go see next, Doctor?" Clara asked after we immediately pulled our faces away and looked straight into each other's eyes.

"Somewhere awesome as always. But first, as I said before, let's a take a break from all of these running around and chasing down monsters. We have enough of that today. Let's spend some good quality time together and try to remember all the good times we had for the past thousand years."

Then in the next few hours, we sat right next to each other, head to head, shoulder to shoulder, holding each other's hand, reminiscing the times we were together before finally deciding where and when to go next. Until next time.

This is the 1,000-year-old Diary of the madman in a blue box and my story just only begun.


End file.
